A tough conversation

Yesterday was a really tough day. I mean really tough. I had dinner with Danielle last night and we talked for quite some time. It was a very emotional experience and I think I'm still digesting it. We'd been planning on and missing one another for dinner for a while so I'd had some time to think about what I was going to say for several weeks. To start with, let me just say that I went into this dinner with a vague notion that I was going to try and get back together with her. I've been dating for a while, but I have to admit to being very unsatisfied and probably lonelier for the experience. Over the course of the last couple of months, I've started to realize how crappy the last year has been. That's not to say that good things have not happened, but rather that I've found them to be very unfulfilling as a whole. I guess there are a lot of things that I could attribute this to, but I think, in my mind, that I've primarily attributed them to the fact that I don't have anyone to share them with. Yes, I've got friends and family, but not the companion and best friend that I once had. I intended to broach the subject and see what her feelings were and if she would be interested in trying again.

Here's where I stop and say that I do and did realize that this was an ill conceived idea that had pretty slim chances of having the intended/desired outcome. I'm also aware of how cheesy and cliche the whole notion is. If you have a problem with that, you can kiss my ass.

What makes this whole process even harder is that she and I know that we have a permanent connection to one another. We will forever be friends. Very good friends that know one another’s deep dark secrets. Friends that know where the bodies are buried. Some people get married and divorced and that will be the end of it, never speak again. We're not going to be those people. We will always love one another even if we aren't in love with one another. At times I think I have trouble distinguishing our platonic love and our history of physical love. When compared to that, my recent forays into the romantic realm have been, um, lackluster. That, combined with the hopeless idea that we might get back together worked to sabotage, in my head, whatever chance those relationships might have had.

So there I am, about half way into bumbling about my feelings and I realize that she's just told me that she's seeing someone and that she's been seeing him for some time. His name is Tim. Blurp Blurp Blurp. That's the noise my brain made at that moment.

I keep thinking of Timmy from South Park. Livin a Lie! Livin a Lie! TIMMY!!!!! Yeah, I know it's not very mature of me, but indulge me in this.

What do I do now? Should I start bawling and blubbering? I didn't, but I might have welled up a little. Should I start shouting, "How Dare You!!!!"? I didn't. Should I sit there and seethe in a rage in front of her until I have a stroke? I didn't.

Danielle is dating someone. Danielle is dating someone? Danielle is dating someone?!?!?!?! I knew this day was coming, so surprise shouldn't be an emotion surrounding this discovery. In fact it wasn't, ok, maybe a little bit, but my surprise was more for the surreality of the situation. I'm sitting here talking to Danielle about her boyfriend. WTF!!! You know what emotion I felt after getting over the initial shock? Relief. Relief to see her sitting across from me talking about someone she really cared about. Relief to have the ambiguity of that path removed from my mind. Relief to see that she'd fallen for someone, and could tell me about it as a friend. I am truly happy for her.

I'd been holding onto the slim chance that we might get back together, but with the knowledge that this futile hope really amounted to a drowning man grasping at straws. Now that the straws are gone, I've been forced to look around and realize that I was probably floundering and splashing in the shallow end of the pool. I just needed to stand up. How's that for an uplifting fucking story?

So with that out of the way, bring on the easy women with low standards!

On a complely unrelated note, I fucking hate when people correct me when I say "Happy Holidays", by saying, "Don't you mean, 'Merry Christmas'?" NO I DIDN'T MEAN MERRY CHRISTMAS. I'M A GODDAMNEDPINKOCOMMIELIBERALHEATHEN AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOUR HOLIDAY.

Happy Belated Winter Solstice.